Today I had a session with a client about a relationship concern and the statement came up “I thought I had this solved”. Since this is a very legitimate and much made statement when it comes to pattern solving, I want to address it in this post.
The “why” behind the problem
The client’s question, “I still have to ask again now: why did I seek out someone with whom a relationship is so difficult?”
My answer, “Because you seek relationships that are impossible. You got an image as a child that relationships can’t work. You want to live up to that concept.”
Why I gave this answer:
The client has been coming in for a session every few months for two years now. Several times it has been about her parents’ relationship, the image she has had of relationship since childhood, and her mother’s opinion in regards to relationships & men. We’ve been working on this a lot, so understandably, the client made the following statement in response to me: “I thought I’d solved that already.” However, pattern solving consists of several steps. First, I want to address how patterns arise in the first place.
How our patterns emerge
For the first six years, we spend our lives in a kind of trance. We absorb everything that happens around us like a sponge and create our world view based on these experiences. This world view accompanies us unconsciously from then on and affects our life, our actions, sensations, statements, etc.. The paths we take as a result are well-trodden and familiar. We walk them over and over again consciously and unconsciously.
When we encounter a problem and one of these concepts no longer works, or causes difficulties, we begin to question it and come across the cause of that concept, the way we act, the reason we develop certain emotions, etc. Solving patterns therefore starts with a problem and recognizing the cause of that problem.
From the unconscious to the conscious
So now we are conscious. Nevertheless, we do not leave the broadly trodden paths immediately, we simply walk them consciously(er) now. We therefore continue to run into the same problem areas and continue to live the concept, but we now know why we are doing it and have the opportunity to consciously do something differently. Then we get to the point where the client is right now, where she realizes that this way doesn’t fit for her anymore and that she wants to do it differently.
This is the time when we can decide to leave the well-trodden paths and go a new way: because we feel our own feeling about the matter and feel how we want to go on.
From this desire comes strength and the freedom to choose the path according to our needs.
The client wants to have a happy relationship. She wants to live relationship in her own way and now feels what this way is. At this moment her direction changes, because now she decides to leave the broadly trodden old familiar path. In this moment she has the opportunity to choose and explore her very own way.
“I thought I had already solved it” thus consists of several steps.
- The problem
Through a situation where a problem arises, I notice that my concept/image of this thing is no longer working.
2. Looking & Recognizing
I can now look and recognize why I do something the way I do it. I can recognize where the cause lies. This recognition is a key moment, because the unconscious becomes conscious, I switch from unconscious control to conscious action. In the process, I am already gaining a lot of freedom and things are starting to change.
3. My way
The culmination is now the moment when I feel within myself how I want things to be and begin to actively change something. This moment is the starting point for self-determined action.
The key moments
So the three key moments are
- the problem and your feeling to want to change something
- getting involved in finding the cause and realizing it
- giving your own/the new space and time to grow
One step after the other
“Good things take time” and problems are not created in an hour and they don’t have to be solved in an hour.