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Trauer, Tränen


“I am sad.”

Grief crawls through my body like a worm. My heart seems to be torn open, with every new wave of sadness my stomach cramps up. At the same time my eyes are dry as dust. I have already cried too much, somehow I am relieved by letting my tears go. Nevertheless, this worm seems to keep crawling and growing.

Grief _ sometimes silent, sometimes loud, sometimes weak, sometimes overwhelming; its dimension: invisible, intangible, (un)finite.

Grief is a feeling among many others, and yet it is attributed less value than, for example, joy. Joy: always give it to me. Grief: as far away as possible please. From a purely human point of view this is a natural and above all legitimate thing. For who does not prefer joy to the worm that threatens to eat us from within? Who does not aspire to the ideal of “joy” which is so successfully sold to us as such?

Nevertheless, it is time to give sadness, anger, as well as all the other unloved “stepsisters” of joy, happiness, hope and confidence the status they deserve. It is time to lift them all to the same level and give their qualities the recognition they deserve. Because sadness, too, needs to be seen, felt and lived. It too wants to be integrated.

Integration instead of separation

A Spanish proverb says: “Cada persona es un mundo” – Every person is a world of his own

Every person feels joy, sadness, happiness, anger, etc. differently. And each person should be allowed to have their feelings without judgement.

Why this is important, I would like to explain to you by means of an example:

Johanna is 32 years old. Half a year ago she was left by her husband. The two have no children, so the separation was “less bad than that of her friend Claudia”, who is now sitting alone with three children, Johanna gets to hear. Or that of Karl, who is also ill. So she shouldn’t make such a fuss, she is told to see the positive side of her situation. But nobody tells her that Johanna doesn’t need permission to mourn, that she can be as sad about her situation as she is at the moment. Nobody but she herself believes that a world has collapsed for her.

If we don’t acknowledge our own grief – if we don’t allow ourselves to allow our feelings to be as intense as we feel them, we are limiting ourselves. Johanna’s grief is real, it is there and she wants to be seen and felt as she is. Then Johanna will be able to step out of the valley of mourning and meet the other feelings (like joy and happiness) in all their intensity.

Feelings are personal

Grief is a part of life.  Whether and to what extent a person mourns something is something they decide on their own. Nobody has a say, because it is their feelings, it is their issues, it is their world.

So if you are in a situation of grief, then it is worth grieving just as much as it feels right for you. Give yourself your attention, your time, your intensity. Give yourself your understanding of your situation and your grief and don’t judge yourself for it.

Do the opposite – open yourself! 

Open yourself to all your feelings, open yourself to the clouds that may pass over you and trust that behind the clouds the sun is waiting for you.

A rain shower takes time – no matter when and how long it falls. No matter whether it has been raining for a week or only for hours. No matter whether you needed the rain or not. He is there. So accept it too.

Our protagonist Johanna will be done grieving when it is enough for her. And that is the moment when she can open herself up again to the sun and its rays, to joy, happiness and lust for life. It is the moment when she is open to feel these feelings intensely.

Allow yourself 🙂